The fake news (Behind the June cover)

For this month's cover we did a send up of daily newspapers. Once we figured out this wass the route we were going to take, the question became, "how far do we take it?"

At first, we were only going to do headlines, but the response to the dollar bill cover from last month was so overwhelming that I knew I'd feel like we'd missed an opportunity if we didn't take it all the way.

We went with the cover story as the big item to dominate the page, but I wanted something that appeared appropriately fear-mongering for the secondary story. (This was just as the hullabaloo over swine flu was dying down.) We tried on different variations, but ended up with the Uni-dodo flu.

Unicorn-Dodo flu ravages everyone

Center for Disease Control officials believe they have finally pinpointed the origin of the apathy-inducing unicorn-dodo flu.
It is now believed that the virus was first contracted by Cassidy Hamner of Thebes, Ill., after a recent spring break trip to Greece. Hamner hiked to the top of Mt. Olympus and was reading Charles Darwin's "On the Origin of Species," when she was suddenly overcome by a dry cough.
The cough subsided by the time she returned to base camp that evening and she chalked it up to the thinner air. Hamner boarded a plane the following day and returned home via London and St. Louis. She was experiencing full-blown symptoms of the then-unknown ailment by the time the plane touched down in the Show-Me-State.
"I felt smited," said Hamner, who is still recuperating.
In addition to traditional flu symptoms, such as coughing, high fever, and muscle ache, carriers of unicorn-dodo flu experience a radiating chill that finally culminates in an audible call authorities believe is similar to the sound the flightless dodo once made.
While none of the known cases have proven fatal, increased social discomfort and awkwardness loom large as the number of patients grows.
The announcement came after weeks of chasing red herrings, including one theory that posited that the last unicorn and dodo had fallen off Noah's boat and into a relationship to preserve their respective species.
"Thankfully, Wikipedia helped us quickly dispel many of these erroneous speculations," said Dr. Constance Vigil, of the CDC.
Vigil first suspected Salem as the site of origin given the recent turnout at the Cherry City Music Festival.
"We figured there was surely something amiss in any city whose inhabitants couldn't get off their butts for 140 music acts," she said.
While she's given up the search for the virus roots in Salem, Vigil is not entirely convinced of the general well-being of city residents.
Vigil and other CDC officials are now looking for some way to close the Pandora's box Hamner seems to have opened.
"We are in touch with a group of Pastafarians who think the eruption of a beer volcano will negate the effects of Hamner's original reading. We are reaching out to craft brewers around the globe to help us stage the event," she said.

Cause if you're going to worry that much about something, it's funnier if it's completely unpossible.

Platypus flu was another top contender.

The second story, about the man stubbing his toes, was inspired by our friends over at the Statesman Journal. Last month, they ran an article about a hawk hitting window at a drive-thru in Woodburn. It drove me nuts the more I thought about it (read: too much). I kept rolling the story over in my head trying to think of some aspect that made the story newsworthy. Other than the animal angle, I kept coming up empty.

An appropriate mocking was in order. It had to be something that affected only one person, yet somehow managed to spark a newspaper's interest and an overblown reaction by officials. Thus:

Man's tears triggered by stubbed toes
Mayor mandates covered-toe shoes in wake of wailing

An inconsolable man found wailing in Riverfront Park over the weekend sparked an emergency meeting of city councilors and a hasty mandate from Mayor Janet Taylor.
Robert Leonard Kilpatrick, 36, of Salem, attracted a crowd of more than 100 onlookers as he struggled to compose himself after stubbing his toe on a bench in the south end of the park.
"I'd never heard such a carrying-on," said Mazel O'Henry, a park visitor who watched for 20 minutes as Kilpatrick tried to compose himself. Kilpatrick "carried on" for another 75 minutes before being forced into an ambulance for a trip to the emergency room.
In addition to stubbed toes, Kilpatrick was treated for self-inflicted bite marks on his hands and forearms from trying to stem the pain.
The incident sparked city leaders to call an emergency meeting of the Salem City Council, presumably a huge disappointment to all involved after deciding last month to cut the number of meetings from three a month to two.
Taylor issued a mandate requiring that visitors to all public spaces wear covered-toe shoes until a more permanent solution could be found.
"We think this is the best solution for the interim," said Taylor. "We expect to have a more viable resolution sometime in 2012."
Taylor did not indicate any sort of enforcement plan for the footwear order, but shied away from questions about rumored checkpoints at the entrances to parks and other public spaces.

There are lots of other easter eggs on the cover in addition to the stories. Have fun finding them, and let us know if it worked or not.